Ok. So I watched Episode 1.

Before you bombard me with “I told you so,” hear me out. I decided to watch the prequels and I decided to watch them in release order. Why would I do this to myself, you ask? Because I want to be a real fan. I want to commiserate with other fans over the egregious actions of George Lucas. So with that, my running commentary while watching “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.”

  • This really is about trade agreements.
  • This “alarming chain of events…” Alarming? Really trying to sell the gravitas of a trade embargo.
  • Oh sweet baby Jesus it’s a lady 3PO.
  • Liam. Mmmmmmm.
  • Stop. Is that a rat tail!?RiffTrax-_Ewan_McGregor_in_Star_Wars_Ep._1
  • What’s with this guy’s weird Asian accent?
  • I’m seriously not digging this CGI, George.
  • Ewan looks really uncomfortable with that lightsaber.
  • Jesus, Liam Neeson manages to be badass in anything.
  • OMG! It’s a rat tail AND a baby ponytail.
  • The lack of energy in this acting is literally stunning. It’s really amazing to me.
  • Why does Natalie Portman sound like Winona Ryder?
  • I’m like 10 minutes into this movie and already looking at my Instagram.
  • First impression of Jar Jar Binks: Yep, I see why everyone hates him.WSAjTeQ
  • Really though, is there a story happening here?
  • It’s painful to watch two of my favorite actors giving such boring performances.
  • It is BEYOND obvious that Ewan and Liam have nothing to work with but a green screen.lucas-green-screen
  • Wait, Jar Jar is the navigator… They’re making Jar Jar the Chewy!?
  • I’m sorry what the eff is this:NA1Upxc
  • GOD! Even the fish move slowly in this film.
  • Is Jar Jar Binks what George Lucas thinks is funny?
  • I have a theory. George was doing a cinematic experiment. He decided to use the first take of every scene and call it a day.
  • Darth Maul’s hologram staring at the screen looks like one of those NFL player intro graphics.NFL_Maul
  • I like Liam’s poncho. I want one in my size.
  • Well, at least R2 is back.
  • “Are you an angel?” Dang, little Ani’s already a playa.
  • Just so much slapstick. Why??????
  • Did Anakin just say, “expecially”? Ok, we’re seriously hitting all of my nerves right now.
  • “I’ll show you 3PO”!?!?!?!?!?!?! This is not happening.
  • The first meeting between C3PO and R2-D2 is the most emotion I’ve seen so far.SW-Ep1-C-3PO
  • This table scene. This acting. It’s quite a feat to turn great actors to shitty ones, George.
  • Did I hear that? He has no father… They aren’t seriously doing the Jesus angle.
  • Awesome “generic laughing children” sound effect, George. Guess that CGI budget had to dip into sound design, too.
  • C3PO and R2D2 talking shit about Jar Jar is my favorite part of this whole movie.
  • Meta-what count? This whole thing just went from overarching spiritual to Scientology.
  • Omg, will this pod race just start!vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h39m15s142
  • *sigh* Oh. I need to pin that recipe for next’s week party.
  • Hey, whoa. The Eagles beat the Patriots? Dang.
  • And here are more baby pics on Facebook…
  • Oh! Just had a great idea for a ship blog post. 

    Me while watching this "movie"

    Me while watching this “movie”

  • Aaaaand the pod race is starting.
  • Aaaaand Ani screws it up.
  • Is that Warwick Davis? Good. Good for him.
  • Dang, George, you just did NOT take this movie seriously. Cheesy jokes? A stadium peanut vendor?
  • At least the soundtrack is still amazing. Too bad the visuals aren’t as epic.
  • CGI was not kind to Yoda.yodacgi_vs_puppet
  • This Republic hearing is like watching C-SPAN: Star Wars.
  • Senator Palpateen creeps me out.
  • Padme in battle is literally her just strolling with a ray gun.
  • I didn’t know it was possible for a battle scene to be so lackluster. Well done, George.
  • Well shit, now Obi’s stuck with Anakin.
  • Who the hell is this Darth Maul and why does he get double lasers!?tumblr_mw1crdHw6t1rdrzfmo1_500
  • Wait that’s it? It’s over? That was allowed to be a movie?
  • This whole thing was weird. I feel very lost.

 

 

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